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Have you ever had one of those dreams -- or call it a nightmare -- where
you're in a situation with several other people or even at a party, and no
one recognizes you're there? Your dream-self is invisible; you're on the
Outside Looking In. You speak, even shout, but no one hears. To the others
in the dream, you have no face, no voice, no 'being'.
For some, it's only in their dreams when they can be assertive, have
meaningful conversations, exciting adventures, true social interaction. But
when they open their eyes and face the day, the feelings of isolation and
estrangement begin.
Imagine how it feels, deep within, to believe there's a valid reason no
one seeks you out for a friend. After all, you're dull and uninteresting.
You're tongue-tied and never know what to say. You may even feel
unattractive or ugly. Your self-esteem is non-existent, and just forget
Confidence.
Someone actually invites you to a party, but you're hesitant to attend.
Mary invited everyone in the office, and she only invited you because she
didn't want to be rude. But your name wasn't at the top of her guest list,
you're quite sure. So why should you go? Everyone else will be disappointed
if you show up. Why spoil the party?
But then you win the days-long battle with yourself, and decide to go to
Mary's party. You'll make an appearance. But when no one is friendly, you'll
leave early...
Perhaps you've always been shy. As a child, it was hard for you to make
friends. Some are lucky enough to be born into families in which social
skills are taught and encouraged. And some are not. In fact, some families
are so enmeshed and such self-contained units that children can learn by
example that Home is the only safe place to be.
Psychologists have conducted research to identify those children whose
behaviors reveal inadequate social skills. At recess, such kids may observe
other 'popular' children from a distance, without seeming to know how to
join the group. Or a little boy might give money to a popular student, or
offer to sharpen his pencils for a year, if only he will be his friend. By
nature, we are social creatures, and have a deep need to connect with
others.
Henry David Thoreau said that being alone is the basic human condition,
which may be true. We can't turn to others to imbue or give our life
meaning. That must come from within. But psychologist Dan Kiley has coined
the phrase 'Living Together Loneliness,' or LTL. Kiley described the stages
of LTL as:
(1) a woman married at age 20 to 24, feels bewildered until age 28 to 30;
begins to feel isolated;
(2) around age 34, the woman begins to feel impatient, anxious, and/or
agitated;
(3) depression sets in at some point between age 43 and 50;
(4) ultimately, the woman may feel chronic bitterness, or unrelieved
exhaustion. The 'culprit', in the woman's eyes, is her husband, because he's
so self-obsessed, selfish, uncommunicative. For her, it's all his fault
because she is so lonely.
Many people remain in unhappy, imperfect marriages (a) without making a
shared effort to improve or rebuild the relationship, and/or (b) from the
searing fear of breaking all ties and suddenly being alone.
Loneliness can be situational, and may occur when college students are
away from home and family for the first time. Most college and university
counseling services deal with this issue. And seniors who lose a spouse or
live far away from friends and adult children may feel lonely due to the
loss or disruption of their previous social network.
But intense loneliness can transmute into depression, and depression to
despair. Every 18 minutes, someone in the US commits suicide -- women
attempt suicide at three times the rate of males, but males are four times
more 'successful' in their attempts. In the past 40 years, suicide by teens
and young adults has almost tripled. And for seniors 65 and older, the
suicide rate is 50% higher than that of the general population.
In the UK and Ireland, there are 200+ centers offering confidential
support for suicidal thoughts, feelings of despair, or distress -- 4.8
million total contacts in 2001. Go to: http://www.samaritans.co.uk/ Or try
Haven of Hope Sanctuary Hotline, http://www.mhsanctuary.com/suicide/hotline4.htm
Wings of Support is a wonderful service, too: "Whether dealing with a
crisis, addiction, coping with a mental disorder, or just feeling
overwhelmed with life." Their services are free, and run by caring
volunteers: http://www.the-bright-side.org/ Still other sites: http://www.stoploneliness.com/
which encourages you to create a Personal Plan for making positive changes
in your life. And you need to visit the courageous, poignant site of Susan
Rose Blauner, http://www.howistayedalive.com/ Blauner wrote a guide to
suicide prevention, "How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill
Me."
You're not alone. There are more people who will understand, first-hand,
what you're going through than you could ever imagine. Please look in your
Yellow Pages, under Crisis/Mental Health/or Emergency. If all else fails,
call your local police department, and tell them you are desperate for
someone to talk to. Don't go it alone. It hurts too much. Reach out and
trust there will be a helping hand in the darkness.
About the Author: Stephania edits a twice-monthly HTML ezine, Tidbits
from the Pantry, that is currently sent to more than 11,000 opt-in
subscribers. She recently retired after 40 years in the field of human
services, and offers a free evaluation of a life problem to any subscriber
by email.
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