9 Steps to Regaining
Self-Esteem After Divorce
By
Debbie Burgin
Divorce is difficult at the ‘best’ of times. Even when
a couple makes a combined decision to divorce, it can be
extremely trying.
What happens if the decision is one sided? What happens
to the party who can sometimes feel blind-sided by one
person’s decision that they no longer want to be a part of
this union?
Been there, done that. Only I wasn’t the one who made
the decision to leave the relationship. It was my
ex-husband’s decision. Okay, I helped him make the actual
decision to leave (he didn’t have much choice), but the
result was the same. Feelings of “what’s wrong with me?”
are abundant.
So here are some things that will help you to get your
self esteem back after a divorce:
1. Talk to someone.
The first step to resolving those feelings is to talk
to someone. Bend a familiar ear…be it biased or unbiased.
Whether it’s to a trusted friend, or to a counselor,
getting it out verbally is a great start to regaining your
sense of self.
2. Be Honest.
If you decide that you’re going to seek help from a
counselor, make sure that you tell the entire truth about
what you’re feeling. Be as honest as you possibly can. How
can a counselor do his/her job properly, if you’re not
completely honest? Regardless of what you tell a
counselor, he/she is not there to judge you, merely to
listen and to offer some constructive unbiased advice if
necessar. Not criticism, just advice.
3. Keep a Journal.
Writing down what’s going on in your head is also
helpful, weather you choose to do that via paper journal,
or online journal, both are helpful. I find that using an
online journal is much easier, as I don’t write nearly as
quickly as I type.
4. Get to know yourself again.
It’s typical to lose oneself during the course of a
relationship. I know I did! So after my divorce, I took
some time to get to know “Me” all over again. Do whatever
it is that you love to do! If you enjoyed snowboarding
before you were married, get back to it! If you enjoyed
knitting, put aside some time to do that. Read some good
books, enjoy spending time with new friends, go away for
the weekend, go and be you!
5. Don’t let those negative feelings back in.
Once you’ve written down feelings that aren’t positive
(“I hate him/her. I can’t believe that he/she did this to
me.”) in a journal of some type, you’ll notice that if you
go back and re-read those bad feelings (and we all do it
at least once), you’re mentally and emotionally back in
that place all over again. Re-reading the ugly details of
my divorce for instance, used to put me in that mood all
over again (I’ve since tossed that journal). So my advice
with regard to writing down negative feelings, is to write
them down, then discard them. Tear them up, burn them,
whatever it takes, but don’t let those negative thoughts
back in.
6. Meet some new people.
When couples divorce, there may be a feeling amongst
some of the friends of that couple who feel as though
there is a need to take sides. You may find that you will
need to meet new people, and take a step back from that
even for a short time. Get yourself some friends that you
and your ex don’t have in common. My ex and I used to work
in the same industry, and as a result, we shared a lot of
the same business colleagues. So as soon as our
relationship ended, I started my own business doing
something that wasn’t related in any way, shape or form to
what he does for a living. I feel like a zillion bucks .
7. Find new interests.
The next step to rebuilding your sense of self-esteem
would be to find some new interests. Find something that
makes you feel good/better about yourself. Kickboxing.
Kickboxing is an amazing way to get rid of certain
frustrations, AND introduces you to a new sport (I brought
a picture of my ex to my kickboxing class, and taped it to
the heavy bag.). If you enjoy being outdoors, you might
consider joining a running club, a rowing club, or
anything else that allows you to be outdoors while meeting
new people.
8. Make peace with yourself.
Understand that what happened, for whatever reason that
it happened, is done. Over. Let it go. Move on. Whatever
kind of bitterness that may have existed when he/she left,
is going to have to get lost or it will get in the way of
your true progress. I know. I did it. Get past it. How do
you ‘get past it’? By doing these nine steps.
9. Accept the fact that things happen.
No doubt about it. Bad things happen to good people,
and vice versa. Stuff happens more often than it doesn’t.
Nothing we can do about it. Can’t control it. Can’t keep
it from happening. Accept it. You’ll feel better for it.
Debbie Burgin has been divorced for 5 years. She
discovered upon the exit of her ex-husband, that her
divorce was actually for the best. She's discovered that
post-divorce, she and her children are happier, and more
relaxed in their lives. She runs two of her own
businesses,
http://www.warnerdigitalmedia.com, and
http://www.debbieburgin.com, and counsels other
divorced women to "get out there, and live life!"
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